Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
