I got chris browned last night
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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