mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
