Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize