I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
