the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
