is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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