im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
