Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
