Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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