I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
