when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
