when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
