Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
