i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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