I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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