I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
