Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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