Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
