happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
