i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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