I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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