I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
