i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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