new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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