I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
