Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
