You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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