the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
