How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
