When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
