Got a toothbrush?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
