Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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