I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
