I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
