I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Green mimosas i think yes
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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