drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
