My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
