You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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