hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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