Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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