And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Drunk is not a location!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
