Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
