Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
