if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize