I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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