I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
