Sry I called you an 8
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
