I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
