well I can't set my house on fire every night
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All the doctor said was why
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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