Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
