I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
