Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
