I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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