Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
