the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize