you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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