mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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