ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
