____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
