she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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